Suspect is a black woman over the age of thirty. She identifies herself as Kylie La Beau, and is filed in our Must Implement Liberal Frisking, or MILF, category. She is recorded stealing items from the storefront on the closed circuit security cameras. The Officer searches her, demanding the suspect disrobe and expose potential hiding places. Ultimately, the merchandise is found in the suspect’s underwear, and proper Loss Prevention Protocol is enforced. The rest of this case is classified…..